I like sports because I enjoy knowing that many of these macho atheletes have to vomit before a big game. Any guy who take a job where you gotta puke first is my kind of guy.

Sties are caused by watching your dog shit.

We're all fucked. It helps to remember that.

Some see the glass as half-empty, some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big.

White people fucked up the blues.

If you love someone, set them free; if they come home, set them on fire.

Some favorite oxymorons:
assistant supervisor
new tradition
original copy
plastic glass
uninvited guest

Most people are not particularly good at anything.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music.

I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.

The only good thing to come out of religion was the music.

There ought to be at least one round state.

In comic strips the person on the left always speaks first.

Why can't there be more suffering?

emergency situation
fear factor
peace process
shower activity
free of charge
intensity level
surgical procedure
knowledge base
belief system
boarding process
forest setting
seating area
floatation device
beverage items
sting operation
hospital environment
prison setting
facial area

Where does the Dentist go when he leaves the room?

I almost don't feel the way I do.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Fuck soccer moms.

Human beings are kind of interesting from birth until they reach the age of a year and a half. Then they are boring until they reach fifty. By that time they're either completely defeated and fucked up, which makes them interesting again, or they've learned how to beat the game, and that makes them interesting too.

Ross Perot. Just what a nation of idiots needs: a short, loud idiot.

The bigger they are, the worse they smell.

No one can ever know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror.

added bonus
total abstinance
young children
exactly right
subject matter
revert back
true fact
honest truth
sum total
join together
ferryboat
free gift
general public
bare naked
unique individual
new initiative
end result

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?