1.Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday
School class and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to
Hell." |
2.A week beforehand, find a member of ACT-UP. Tell him the scheduled
sermon is entitled "Why God Sent AIDS to Punish Homosexuals".
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3.Put stray dogs in coat closets. |
4.Un-tune the piano. |
5.Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".
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6.Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666. |
7.Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it:
"Is this seat SAVED?" |
8.Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful
Dead concerts. |
9.Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows,
hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would
you rather be stoned or crucified?" |
10.Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out. |
11.Start a wave. |
12.Do cool things with the lighting. |
13.When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh
G. Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff". |
14.Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant. |
15.When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh,
Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?" |
16.Make up your own words to the songs. |
17.Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand
up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out
quickly. |
18.Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service. |
19.If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF
YOU DON'T SHUT THAT GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!"
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20.Dress all in black, or in camo. |
21.Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire.
Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If you are male, wear two. Change
sets for the evening service. |
22.If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and
matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.
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23.At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes.
Announce that you can see an image of Jesus. |
24.Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes
and socks. |
25.Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the
first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in. |
26.Inflate balloons, then send them off. |
27.Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far
Side cartoons. |
28.Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17).
Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.
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29.Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.
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30.Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen. |
31.During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone
asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They
ruled the earth over 65 million years ago." |
32.Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor.
Discreetly light them. |
33.Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned,
especially Stephen. |
34.Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate
on how good it is. |
35.When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece
of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number. |
36.Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in
remembrance of me," and lick them. |
37.Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"
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38.Blow bubbles. |
39.Fake a possession. |
40.Distribute condoms. |
41.Speak in tongues. |
42.Ask where the nearest ashtray is. |
43.Drool in the collection plate. |
44.Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians.
After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.
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45.After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes.
When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland,
act embarrassed. |
46.Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry".
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47.At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece
of a wristwatch embedded inside. |
48.Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new
ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the
bill to the pastor. |
49.Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are
upon you!!!" |
50.Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address
of the church next Saturday at midnight. |